low

I've gotten to such a low point, compared to last year. I feel like I've just lost all that can ever ask for. Some days, I can just shrug my shoulders, say "whatever", and keep that high spirit running. Running on the consensus that I can make it better and that I will. But then again, I can fail also. There are some other days where I remember how I did already fail. I failed with my friends, I failed with my job, I failed with the track I had in school. I failed with my family, I failed with a very important person in my life who has changed me in certain ways that I didn't even noticed until now. Now, I see how lucky I was and how good I had it. Now, I'm suffering for all the badly calculated choices I took upon myself. Now, I see how much better things really could've been if I had just done things a little differently. If only I had just thought about what I was doing through, before I went for it. By the subjects I listed above, you can almost say I've failed at everything.I started out perfect, and ended out as nothing.  My family is parted and I no longer feel the bonds I had with certain members. A lot of my friends just didn't see Jenn anymore, the girl who "lid up the room" as many others had put it to me once. One by one, they also fell out and its cutting close. My best friend, the best commodity in my life, the person who I need to keep me powered up and feeling like me. The girl who lights up my world just the sound of her voice comforts me when I feel troubled. We've never had a fall out, we've never had a fight, we've never ceased to contact each other, we've NEVER ever ignored one or the other. We were like each others life line, and now is when I realized that the failures I've made in life is putting a dent in our relationship too. I've lost sight of who I am, what I love, what I can do. I think people can pretty much now picture how I define the "low" in low point. I feel low, like nothings good anymore, like I'm no good anymore. But even from this low, I have to built myself up again. I can't just start over, because nothing has ceased. The world will never stop running for you, you have to dust off, catch up and get back on board with what was happening around you. In order to really impress myself, I have to impress the others that are important to me. This sounds so insecure, but it really isn't because I know what I'm capable of and I already know how far I can really go. My limitations are so few and the border line is barely even marked, I practically have none. I can keep going on with doing something so amazing, but I don't even notice what I've done until others around me have noticed. I want my friends and family to notice that although I did change for the worst, now I want a new change and a better one at it. I want to change back to that sparky, fun and attractive Jenn that no one could ever imagine would be such a drag. I want my perfect life back. I can't go backwards in time, but I can built that perfect life again. It wont be identical, but at least it will be remotely similar. I'm so sorry for the nonsense that had become of me, but I learned that lesson hard. Now, I'm more than ready to get back on with the same Jenn of last summer, with the only difference being that I have new ambitions and new endurances.