before i leave

i'm trying to find and think of ways to fill up this void inside me. Its like the thought, the desparation, the creativness all going towards this effort is clouding up the greatness that is plotted in my mind. (I am ingenious!) i come up with great ideas and solutions, and when i intently listen to whats going on, i know and can remember what to do. truth is, there will always be this missing piece inside of me. as cliche as it sounds, he took a piece of my heart with him. I dont know how big the piece truly is, but no matter how small, it still left a great enough impact. I can feel the slight emptiness, and its painful. all i ever feel nowadays is pain. i used to know humor, and laugh everyday with everything. I could go with the flow and still have a great time. i had, and still have, great aspirations for my future and for the future of those i care about. but no matter what i do for now on, from what's been already done, my life is never going to have it's complete meaning without him. So i'd try to fill in this space with as much distractions from the pain and hunger as possible. Almost like feeding yourself an exersion of sugar to help satisfy your body quick. The one thing i know, i love and always cling to are the huge night parties, the raging pit of house/dj music fests, dancing till the sweat drops from the roof, in all just having a crazy ass time! but when the night is done, and i awake from the slumber following the great arousel of people, music and drinks, somewhere i'll remember. all i desire is another chance, another sight of him in person, to hear him talk to me again, to see his beautiful smile so that i can melt into anxiousness and happiness. another chance to embrace him, to hold onto his chest, to be held in his arms, to have his chin lightly press onto my shoulder, to have his warmth. i would die just to feel his soft and supple lips again pressed against mines, to curl up in his embrace as his hands slide down my body. what i wish, and continue wishing to have, is to be apart of his heart as  he is to mine; but all i can ask for is truth and a chance to see how things really could or should've been. i know he's still here, and even understanding all the walls that stand between us, i still see this as a sign. i asked god to help make his wish of staying here come through, to hear his wishes and to consider them; and god did, god answered to what i begged and what i longed months for. now that he is here, i dont know how long he'll last. i never feel prepared to comfront something that in many ways i fear. I fear that from what i do, it'll only push me farther away from him, that it'll only hurt myself more. But i long to see him, to enjoy and capture his presence and to know the truth. I want to know if there's something still there, because from my end he will always be a either a missing or repaired part of me. 

I texted him, he still hasn't replied back

I was cleaning out my vault of old documents on my PC when i stumbled onto this. I thought it was sweet and could possibly relate to many girls out there too. And yes, I am writing to myself. :P               

                        

Dont get mad, dont get mad, dont get upset. Remember your curiosity led you to this. Now he's not giving you the information you wanted, but you can pretty much figure out what your trying to identify. Obviously, he doesnt care anymore. he doesnt care much for your friendship. he's no longer caring for what you can offer to him intimately. what had happened is officially done. Its not that he's a bad person, its just he's no longer interested. I know you want to be upset right now, and wish him something maybe a little bit off. But don't, because you dont mean it. You're just upset because you do care for him, and technically you will always care for him because he was your first. The first one who treated you like his actual princess. Everyone in life will always be attached to their first, but that doesn't mean that its in the cards for everyone to always be stuck with their first. I'm guessing the very, very few that do must've had a particular purpose in that. But you are one out of the ga-gillion people in this world who cannot have their first beside them forever. I thought I could rule out the system. I was ok with the idea that he cannot be mine, but that maybe we could be friends forever. That actually does usually happen for most people, so why not me? I think the problem is you're trying to force the situation, when it might just be out of your hands. You are frustrating and hurting yourself. You need to understand that this is not up to you, no matter how badly you want it. You can control the tangible and immovible things around you and have that help manipulate your surroundings, but you cannot control a person or their feelings. Each person has their own will and power to only themselves. If I really want it that bad, I guess I just have to surrender the ongoing battle over "making it" come true, and just turn around and ask for it from the only identity that does have power over all things. At the same time, I cannot let this thought consume me and everything I hope for. I cannot make it become the only good outcome out of this already trialing situation. Remember that things happen for reason, each person has a specific life planned out for them and there are people in life that are placed infront you for either just a day, season, year or century. They are meant there for that specific quantity of time and that's all. I can't pretend to seek all that is to happen in my life, or try to steer my life and the people I'd like in the direction that only I want it to be. Remember that what you're experiencing is normal and happens to everyone. Everyone will always be attached to their first whether they're still with them or not. Probably even _______ (i took out his name) is still attached to his first. I know that you wanted more, but maybe you just can't anymore. This will just have to be another hard lesson learned.It'll be ok though, it always ends up ok. You still have more things going for you and you just need to steer your focus back on those things in order to really be happy with yourself again. :) 

Ps. At the end, he did text back the morning after :)

Confession; I have some self-service

I don't know if people actually do read my posts, and I would really much doubt that they do. But if by some dismay of mine I actually do have outside visiters who find my blog pleasing to them, I would like to establish this little piece of information about my writing. Whenever I'm feeling upset, I write little notes to myself. I find that doing this not only calms you and bring down your anxiety levels, it also helps find a clear and solid solution to whatever problem I am facing. I am very good at giving other people excellent pieces of advice. So good, that the thought of maybe doing a small job of counseling has might've popped in my mind once or twice. The thing is when it comes to myself, I am so consumed with emotions that I all of the great advice that I could come up with for myself is just farting around in hidden crevaces of my cranium where I cannot find a way to help myself. When I write out stuff that seems more logic, the hidden and more comforting ideas kind of just flood out through the text. SO there's that. To all those outside visiters that I didnt expect to have on my blog; if you happen to see me addressing thoughts to myself, you now know why I proceed in doing so. Just thought I'd clarify.

"I wouldnt want to be anybody else"

sometimes i wonder "what was i thinking? was i wrong?" there are other times i think to myself "what is with them? why are they just starring at me like im crazy?" I can honestly say I have a few loose screws here and there, but all out of good intentioning. yes I am ca-razy, yes i sometimes.. no, many times.. dont hold back the first thought that is in my mind. But what's wrong with that if mean streaks never flow through me. so far in my 20 years of living, the amount of people who tell me that i'm doing something wrong must range already in the thousands. Truth be told, im not too embarrased or ashamed to admit my qualities.  I like to go out till the break of dawn, I like to procrastinate, I like to prank, I like to set out on seemingly challenging goals, I like to transform my persona by changing my voice to multiple  and unnatural pitches and tones, I like to ellaborate almost completely on all things including my wardrope. I am out in the public eye, doing all of this that makes me feel me, because i am  the most comfortable when I'm sort of standing out in a mono-type crowd.  My attitude of acceptance reminds me of a saying from one of my favorite reality spokesperson, in one of my favorite- fashion onward, reality shows of this season (Kourtney and Kim Take New York). Khloe Kardashian, sporting a furry beanie with furry ears,  says to her sister "You're so perfect with your perfect little eyes... and perfect little lips.. and I am a rebel, in a wolf's head." Khloe Kardashian and i have many similarities in our personalities in that we are jokers, enterpreneurs, risk takers and pretty much can't give a damn deep down about how others think of what we really are. 

At work, we've let go a series of college students who came down to work for a semester, but recently we've picked up and trained a new set of college workers. Last semester's crew was like a second family to me of older brothers and sisters; I was my original wacky self and not only did they embrace and accepted me like a work sister, but they also set aside their layer of coolness and entered my realm of fun and laughs. Everyday at work was a joy and something to actually look forward to. The new crew we have now are mainly too busy in keeping their cool to actually enjoy the people they have beside them and kind of squash the memories that we could share. I suspect some to be  very judgemental people. Then again, i kind of dont mind being judge. As matter of fact, being judged comes with the territory of having such a extroverted and different personality. Yesterday in my french class, i can recall when one of my classmates said to me (completely out of the blue) something in the likes of "You're not anything like how you look like you should be, you're actually very different. But in a good way." And so I again ponder and remind myself "so what that i am that crazy being." There's nothing really wrong with the people in this world who are just like me. Unique and geniune, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We actually are blessings to this world, keeping it balanced. I say that a criticism might change an instant impression of someone that might last a minute, but a smile can change a heart. I may be ca-razy, but I make people smile and I make them feel good about life. I'm crazy for fun, I have a love for this world and a compassion for caring. Most importantly, there are people in this world who love me for who i am. I say that although I may have "missing screws" but I am a complete human being at heart. I love who I am and I wouldnt want to alter it to anything else. All I can ask for is for wisdom that comes at its time. 

music for the soul <3:  who says (selena gomez & the scene)

Marking down March

So i haven't really been blogging as frequently as i thought i would, surprisingly. However it is of no shock at all to what I have been doing instead. Although I don't like to admit and I strongly prefer not to be this person at all, I usually start things and then just decide to not finish it, for whatever weak or good reason. Today, I decided to drop my philosophy class because I've kind of been "out of the loop" so far in this semester. Not to mention, I've received a warning via email by my professor recommending me to really take some serious action before I fail a course. In reference to my blog, however, I've actually opened up about  7 or so notepad documents and started writing potential postings. None of them are finished, all of them needing some serious editing. So this time around, I just decided to write on a whim just to experiment and see if it'll actually make it onto my blog. Sooo, let me talk about what's been going on so far in my life this month. 


Since last August, I've been battling it out with my weight. I was skinny in the summer, but certain circumstances had led me to gain just at around 50 pounds. This was a terrible blow to me, because my weight has always been an issue for me since childhood. Last year, I also had a modeling contract that I signed back when I was looking and feeling my finest. I knew that the agency I worked for wasn't going to be too pleased to see me slacking off in the matter that I did. I lost the contract, of course, because I never got seriously onboard with my old diet and exercise regiment. However, at the start of this month, motivation sparked back into me again and so far I've lost 10 pounds! Kudos to me! :) 


I'm probably am going to go into much more detail later in a different post about this particular situation, but my parents are divorcing. It's not really much of a sad divorce as it is brutal and raw. Tensions are high in the house where my parents were married and where my brother and I grew up in. Thankfully, my father moved out before the new year, but unfortunately he moved into the apartment that I had been borrowing from my grandparents. In addition to this change, I was forced back into the living hell that I'm living in today. I was so upset for being taken out of my haven; in that apartment that I had for the summer, fall and winter of 2010, I was able to escape from the unnecessary fights, stress and lowblows. My family is one to be known to have many years of counseling and anger managing. I was one who never could handle it and I knew I would be the first to run away from that place as things escalated to its peek. It's really not in me to fight or hurt someone in any sort of manner. Instead my anxiety levels rise, my heart starts to almost beat out of my chest and I begin to tremble from the anger and nervousness. Anywho, one thing I am notorious for is ignoring a person who I am extremely upset with, and this includes all forms of communication. My father and I didn't speak for 2 months because of the battle over the apartment. That was until 2 weeks ago, where I finally broke down and after several of his attempts to contact me, I decided to go out on a father daughter outing, like old times. My father and I were always very close, even when I was little and it doesn't kill me anymore to say that my mother and I were never close friends. At least some of my happy and relieve levels are back, now that my ol' pal and I are slightly running on good terms again. It is a process; like most people, I am very sensitive and some of my inner wounds needs the time to heal back to normal. In all, our little outing turned out to be peaceful and enjoyable- we went shopping, which is one of my more passionable activities. :D


Another major thing this month was obviously...... SPRING BREAK! I was originally planning on taking my first trip up to the nation's biggest fashion captial, NEW YORK CITAYY! Unfortunately, there was a lack of funds for all the people who were going with me and so the plans were cancelled. :( It was a bummer, I am a huge fashion enthusiast and I love the city. Not only did I wanted to explore the New York retail scene, I also wanted to check up on a school that I've recently discovered and have been really dedicating my Associates degree on. I want to transfer into F.I.T. (Fashion Institute of Technology) for a bachelors degree in Entrepreneurship. This school is what I've been dreaming about for the past few months, I mean Micheal Kors came out of that school, how can that not be exciting? I am still going to take my trip to NYC and with my closest friends (my gay guys included) later on, this year. Instead of New York, I still did have a good time with friends, parties, drinks, shopping and of course the beaches (I'm in Florida.. DUh!). My best friend and I rekindled our tight bond and I am so happy and relieved for that, I really can not imagine any years of my life without her and the feeling of almost drifting away from her was so unbearable. 


March has been a very positive and motivating month so far this year and I really do hope I don't jinx myself in this, but it looks like the first mini step in a better year for me. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that, and the reason is unknown to us but it is coming from a much greater purpose in your life. Hopefully, this month is one of the first good signs to brighter upcoming months for me!
Hasta la proxima! ['till next time..]

low

I've gotten to such a low point, compared to last year. I feel like I've just lost all that can ever ask for. Some days, I can just shrug my shoulders, say "whatever", and keep that high spirit running. Running on the consensus that I can make it better and that I will. But then again, I can fail also. There are some other days where I remember how I did already fail. I failed with my friends, I failed with my job, I failed with the track I had in school. I failed with my family, I failed with a very important person in my life who has changed me in certain ways that I didn't even noticed until now. Now, I see how lucky I was and how good I had it. Now, I'm suffering for all the badly calculated choices I took upon myself. Now, I see how much better things really could've been if I had just done things a little differently. If only I had just thought about what I was doing through, before I went for it. By the subjects I listed above, you can almost say I've failed at everything.I started out perfect, and ended out as nothing.  My family is parted and I no longer feel the bonds I had with certain members. A lot of my friends just didn't see Jenn anymore, the girl who "lid up the room" as many others had put it to me once. One by one, they also fell out and its cutting close. My best friend, the best commodity in my life, the person who I need to keep me powered up and feeling like me. The girl who lights up my world just the sound of her voice comforts me when I feel troubled. We've never had a fall out, we've never had a fight, we've never ceased to contact each other, we've NEVER ever ignored one or the other. We were like each others life line, and now is when I realized that the failures I've made in life is putting a dent in our relationship too. I've lost sight of who I am, what I love, what I can do. I think people can pretty much now picture how I define the "low" in low point. I feel low, like nothings good anymore, like I'm no good anymore. But even from this low, I have to built myself up again. I can't just start over, because nothing has ceased. The world will never stop running for you, you have to dust off, catch up and get back on board with what was happening around you. In order to really impress myself, I have to impress the others that are important to me. This sounds so insecure, but it really isn't because I know what I'm capable of and I already know how far I can really go. My limitations are so few and the border line is barely even marked, I practically have none. I can keep going on with doing something so amazing, but I don't even notice what I've done until others around me have noticed. I want my friends and family to notice that although I did change for the worst, now I want a new change and a better one at it. I want to change back to that sparky, fun and attractive Jenn that no one could ever imagine would be such a drag. I want my perfect life back. I can't go backwards in time, but I can built that perfect life again. It wont be identical, but at least it will be remotely similar. I'm so sorry for the nonsense that had become of me, but I learned that lesson hard. Now, I'm more than ready to get back on with the same Jenn of last summer, with the only difference being that I have new ambitions and new endurances.

Mission Accomplished

I've heavily taken on one of my more important pledges that I imaginatively toasted to just a few nights ago. After a few hasty weeks of procrastination, I've finally took charge on the disastrous scenario in my room. It legit looked as if a tornado had destructed everything from the inside. A mix of dirty and clean loads hanging all around my tv set and window, shoes covering the floor like a mine field, an icky and dusty floor, millions of school and work papers almost in mid-air. I couldn't sleep properly at night with a clean conscious; it is a documented fact that I have OCD and although not everything has to be perfect all the time, I still cannot function in unexplainable disorder. Finally, I was able to gain the courage to face up to this confusing maze of stuff and typically I would probably take up almost a full day to conquer such a chore, but surprisingly it only took about an hour and half this time around. I am still in shock, but greatly encouraged.
As if my day could'nt get any better, not only did I have plenty of time to do a full body workout, but I got a call from my mother who was shopping digital tvs at best buy with my grandmother. That's right folks, I am now the proud mama of a LCD 32" Plasma screen tv. I am estatic!
Today was the first day of my diet, and so I expected to be the usual: a typical hard and emotionally draining day. But, as if it were a gift from the skies, today actually went exactly as planned, packed with a lil surprises. In all perfect! :) Yup, looks like this year might just take a 180 from last year.