Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I texted him, he still hasn't replied back

I was cleaning out my vault of old documents on my PC when i stumbled onto this. I thought it was sweet and could possibly relate to many girls out there too. And yes, I am writing to myself. :P               

Dont get mad, dont get mad, dont get upset. Remember your curiosity led you to this. Now he's not giving you the information you wanted, but you can pretty much figure out what your trying to identify. Obviously, he doesnt care anymore. he doesnt care much for your friendship. he's no longer caring for what you can offer to him intimately. what had happened is officially done. Its not that he's a bad person, its just he's no longer interested. I know you want to be upset right now, and wish him something maybe a little bit off. But don't, because you dont mean it. You're just upset because you do care for him, and technically you will always care for him because he was your first. The first one who treated you like his actual princess. Everyone in life will always be attached to their first, but that doesn't mean that its in the cards for everyone to always be stuck with their first. I'm guessing the very, very few that do must've had a particular purpose in that. But you are one out of the ga-gillion people in this world who cannot have their first beside them forever. I thought I could rule out the system. I was ok with the idea that he cannot be mine, but that maybe we could be friends forever. That actually does usually happen for most people, so why not me? I think the problem is you're trying to force the situation, when it might just be out of your hands. You are frustrating and hurting yourself. You need to understand that this is not up to you, no matter how badly you want it. You can control the tangible and immovible things around you and have that help manipulate your surroundings, but you cannot control a person or their feelings. Each person has their own will and power to only themselves. If I really want it that bad, I guess I just have to surrender the ongoing battle over "making it" come true, and just turn around and ask for it from the only identity that does have power over all things. At the same time, I cannot let this thought consume me and everything I hope for. I cannot make it become the only good outcome out of this already trialing situation. Remember that things happen for reason, each person has a specific life planned out for them and there are people in life that are placed infront you for either just a day, season, year or century. They are meant there for that specific quantity of time and that's all. I can't pretend to seek all that is to happen in my life, or try to steer my life and the people I'd like in the direction that only I want it to be. Remember that what you're experiencing is normal and happens to everyone. Everyone will always be attached to their first whether they're still with them or not. Probably even _______ (i took out his name) is still attached to his first. I know that you wanted more, but maybe you just can't anymore. This will just have to be another hard lesson learned.It'll be ok though, it always ends up ok. You still have more things going for you and you just need to steer your focus back on those things in order to really be happy with yourself again. :) 

Ps. At the end, he did text back the morning after :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Confession; I have some self-service

I ♥ life - Spoki

I don't know if people actually do read my posts, and I would really much doubt that they do. But if by some dismay of mine I actually do have outside visiters who find my blog pleasing to them, I would like to establish this little piece of information about my writing. Whenever I'm feeling upset, I write little notes to myself. I find that doing this not only calms you and bring down your anxiety levels, it also helps find a clear and solid solution to whatever problem I am facing. I am very good at giving other people excellent pieces of advice. So good, that the thought of maybe doing a small job of counseling has might've popped in my mind once or twice. The thing is when it comes to myself, I am so consumed with emotions that I all of the great advice that I could come up with for myself is just farting around in hidden crevaces of my cranium where I cannot find a way to help myself. When I write out stuff that seems more logic, the hidden and more comforting ideas kind of just flood out through the text. SO there's that. To all those outside visiters that I didnt expect to have on my blog; if you happen to see me addressing thoughts to myself, you now know why I proceed in doing so. Just thought I'd clarify.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"I wouldnt want to be anybody else"

sometimes i wonder "what was i thinking? was i wrong?" there are other times i think to myself "what is with them? why are they just starring at me like im crazy?" I can honestly say I have a few loose screws here and there, but all out of good intentioning. yes I am ca-razy, yes i sometimes.. no, many times.. dont hold back the first thought that is in my mind. But what's wrong with that if mean streaks never flow through me. so far in my 20 years of living, the amount of people who tell me that i'm doing something wrong must range already in the thousands. Truth be told, im not too embarrased or ashamed to admit my qualities.  I like to go out till the break of dawn, I like to procrastinate, I like to prank, I like to set out on seemingly challenging goals, I like to transform my persona by changing my voice to multiple  and unnatural pitches and tones, I like to ellaborate almost completely on all things including my wardrope. I am out in the public eye, doing all of this that makes me feel me, because i am  the most comfortable when I'm sort of standing out in a mono-type crowd.  My attitude of acceptance reminds me of a saying from one of my favorite reality spokesperson, in one of my favorite- fashion onward, reality shows of this season (Kourtney and Kim Take New York). Khloe Kardashian, sporting a furry beanie with furry ears,  says to her sister "You're so perfect with your perfect little eyes... and perfect little lips.. and I am a rebel, in a wolf's head." Khloe Kardashian and i have many similarities in our personalities in that we are jokers, enterpreneurs, risk takers and pretty much can't give a damn deep down about how others think of what we really are
At work, we've let go a series of college students who came down to work for a semester, but recently we've picked up and trained a new set of college workers. Last semester's crew was like a second family to me of older brothers and sisters; I was my original wacky self and not only did they embrace and accepted me like a work sister, but they also set aside their layer of coolness and entered my realm of fun and laughs. Everyday at work was a joy and something to actually look forward to. The new crew we have now are mainly too busy in keeping their cool to actually enjoy the people they have beside them and kind of squash the memories that we could share. I suspect some to be  very judgemental people. Then again, i kind of dont mind being judge. As matter of fact, being judged comes with the territory of having such a extroverted and different personality. Yesterday in my french class, i can recall when one of my classmates said to me (completely out of the blue) something in the likes of "You're not anything like how you look like you should be, you're actually very different. But in a good way." And so I again ponder and remind myself "so what that i am that crazy being." There's nothing really wrong with the people in this world who are just like me. Unique and geniune, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We actually are blessings to this world, keeping it balanced. I say that a criticism might change an instant impression of someone that might last a minute, but a smile can change a heart. I may be ca-razy, but I make people smile and I make them feel good about life. I'm crazy for fun, I have a love for this world and a compassion for caring. Most importantly, there are people in this world who love me for who i am. I say that although I may have "missing screws" but I am a complete human being at heart. I love who I am and I wouldnt want to alter it to anything else. All I can ask for is for wisdom that comes at its time. 

music for the soul <3:  who says (selena gomez & the scene)