low

I've gotten to such a low point, compared to last year. I feel like I've just lost all that can ever ask for. Some days, I can just shrug my shoulders, say "whatever", and keep that high spirit running. Running on the consensus that I can make it better and that I will. But then again, I can fail also. There are some other days where I remember how I did already fail. I failed with my friends, I failed with my job, I failed with the track I had in school. I failed with my family, I failed with a very important person in my life who has changed me in certain ways that I didn't even noticed until now. Now, I see how lucky I was and how good I had it. Now, I'm suffering for all the badly calculated choices I took upon myself. Now, I see how much better things really could've been if I had just done things a little differently. If only I had just thought about what I was doing through, before I went for it. By the subjects I listed above, you can almost say I've failed at everything.I started out perfect, and ended out as nothing.  My family is parted and I no longer feel the bonds I had with certain members. A lot of my friends just didn't see Jenn anymore, the girl who "lid up the room" as many others had put it to me once. One by one, they also fell out and its cutting close. My best friend, the best commodity in my life, the person who I need to keep me powered up and feeling like me. The girl who lights up my world just the sound of her voice comforts me when I feel troubled. We've never had a fall out, we've never had a fight, we've never ceased to contact each other, we've NEVER ever ignored one or the other. We were like each others life line, and now is when I realized that the failures I've made in life is putting a dent in our relationship too. I've lost sight of who I am, what I love, what I can do. I think people can pretty much now picture how I define the "low" in low point. I feel low, like nothings good anymore, like I'm no good anymore. But even from this low, I have to built myself up again. I can't just start over, because nothing has ceased. The world will never stop running for you, you have to dust off, catch up and get back on board with what was happening around you. In order to really impress myself, I have to impress the others that are important to me. This sounds so insecure, but it really isn't because I know what I'm capable of and I already know how far I can really go. My limitations are so few and the border line is barely even marked, I practically have none. I can keep going on with doing something so amazing, but I don't even notice what I've done until others around me have noticed. I want my friends and family to notice that although I did change for the worst, now I want a new change and a better one at it. I want to change back to that sparky, fun and attractive Jenn that no one could ever imagine would be such a drag. I want my perfect life back. I can't go backwards in time, but I can built that perfect life again. It wont be identical, but at least it will be remotely similar. I'm so sorry for the nonsense that had become of me, but I learned that lesson hard. Now, I'm more than ready to get back on with the same Jenn of last summer, with the only difference being that I have new ambitions and new endurances.

Mission Accomplished

I've heavily taken on one of my more important pledges that I imaginatively toasted to just a few nights ago. After a few hasty weeks of procrastination, I've finally took charge on the disastrous scenario in my room. It legit looked as if a tornado had destructed everything from the inside. A mix of dirty and clean loads hanging all around my tv set and window, shoes covering the floor like a mine field, an icky and dusty floor, millions of school and work papers almost in mid-air. I couldn't sleep properly at night with a clean conscious; it is a documented fact that I have OCD and although not everything has to be perfect all the time, I still cannot function in unexplainable disorder. Finally, I was able to gain the courage to face up to this confusing maze of stuff and typically I would probably take up almost a full day to conquer such a chore, but surprisingly it only took about an hour and half this time around. I am still in shock, but greatly encouraged.
As if my day could'nt get any better, not only did I have plenty of time to do a full body workout, but I got a call from my mother who was shopping digital tvs at best buy with my grandmother. That's right folks, I am now the proud mama of a LCD 32" Plasma screen tv. I am estatic!
Today was the first day of my diet, and so I expected to be the usual: a typical hard and emotionally draining day. But, as if it were a gift from the skies, today actually went exactly as planned, packed with a lil surprises. In all perfect! :) Yup, looks like this year might just take a 180 from last year.

Cheers to that.

As I think back to one of my friend's snapshot of good ol' Captain Morgan, which she used to convince  me into another pregame get-together this past weekend, I felt that I should raise my figurative glass on a number of pledges I've came up with last night. The end of last year was really rough on me, and it brought  down the healthy, fun ol' Jenn that everyone gravitated towards. It's a new year and this low version of me has got to change. So here's a Toast! (Feel free to join.) 

Here's to bettering my year, to forgetting the old and starting up with the new. 

Here's to the end of procrastination, at least when it comes to things of immediate attention (let's be real).

Here's to not getting involved in the negative or the complicated, even though this year certain individuals in my fam. will do their best to draw me in.

Here's to no more days of feeling sorry for myself, no more shying away from my favorite crowd. 

Here's to bringing my confidence, stamina and smile back. To never losing sight again of what my passion is.

Here's to sticking to the plan, to continue dropping the forty-ish pounds I needed to feel my best.

Here's to detoxing for at least the next 3 months, to get this diet plan good on the road.

Here's to new beginnings. More friendships and forgetting the rocky ends of past relationships.

Here's to bringing back my risky, fun, courageous, random and lid up personality back to life. The true me that everyone has missed.

Here's to more jokes and perks, and less tears and fears.

Here's to bringing back the more important and more positive people into my life again. The ones I turned from so that they wouldn't see my tears. The ones I missed dearly.

 Here's to raising the courage bar. To taking that even greater step to keep my adrenaline pumping. To do the unforeseen. To surprise everyone on the situations that I rightfully refuse to submit to.

Here's to not letting the annoying things (and people) in life get the best of me. To pushing them off my shoulders and to allow myself to find their ridiculous antics amusing. 

Here's to making "him" realize what he's missing out on, what he just angered ;)

Here's to going back to what I lovb to do. Modeling, photography, traveling, cooking, styling... let's just forget about that stupid and infamous sentence in my head: "it can't be done anymore".

Here's to continuing the pursuit of my dream, to continue to see pass "impossible", to remember that my  strength to keep going is still urging me to keep on my path.

Here's to that and to anyone else roaming this earth who may have their own daunting list of tasks and pledges. Anyone who is brave enough to take on their challenges also deserves a shot glass to raised in their name.

Life is now an open book...

Welcome to Jenn’s WORLD!

I've been meaning to start blogging particulary because I probably spent more than 65% of my day online, whether on some portable device or hopping onto someone else's macbook. I discovered blogging perhaps a few months after I've discovered my craze for fashion. I will admit, I am an avid fashion seeker. I must frequent more fashion and style blogs than I do social networks.

My ideal blog? Yes, I wanted to have my own fashion blog. A place where i can freely express and safe keep my creations and ensembles before my short attention span blurs up my mental notes like an etch-a-sketch.  So muccchhh ideas and so little storage space is how I describe my mental capabilities.

A lot of other thoughts cloud my mind as well. Although I’ve thought about it before, I never fell through with my plan of having a fashion blog, and I think a lot of it could've been that everything exteriorly in my life was just gradually falling off from its perfect spot.

My emotions were running wild, and even to this day, it all still gets to me. Things are just rough, a lot of things are already looking ready to tumble down. What can I do, really? We are all expected to perk up on our own and keeping marching on through life with your head held high. But life is not a jolly ride, and for someone to just ask us to just push out the bad and still only see the light at the end of the tunnel, that person is just blind sighting us from the reality of things. It’s not that simple.

I still think that life on earth is paradise, it all is really beautiful. The things we get to see, do and feel. All of it is ours now, very short lived, temporary. Meaning, once the physical is done, and our bodies have been used up to its capacity, we will never be able to enjoy the things of life again. The thought of “forever” is just taunting and scary. But again, that is reality.

It is a great reason why we should push out the negative and keep trotting forward to see what else is out there.  Even though, the task can seem entirely impossible. That’s the thing about me though, I can see pass the impossible; and even if I can easily get discouraged at times, my mind set on the idea will still remain the same and I eventually do pull through whatever road block there was, no matter how long it took.

So,  now I have this blog. But why? I have a lot to say, and often my mouth just wants to explode out all the thoughts I keep to myself. So I figured it’ll be a lot healthier and safer (in some scenarios) for me to just keep it all in here. I am one who knows how to easily encourage my friends and others who seek my advice. I’m not a guru or medium or anything, but often my words have helped so many people get through whatever they thought they couldn’t. Fear, anger, sadness, unmotivated, discouraged; all those feelings don’t seem tangible but can be easily altered. So I do hope that, for those who do read my blog, may be what I think can help you in ways you never thought could. :) I’m peace-ing out to this post! Ciao!