Tuesday, July 12, 2011
before i leave
i'm trying to find and think of ways to fill up this void inside me. Its like the thought, the desparation, the creativness all going towards this effort is clouding up the greatness that is plotted in my mind. (I am ingenious!) i come up with great ideas and solutions, and when i intently listen to whats going on, i know and can remember what to do. truth is, there will always be this missing piece inside of me. as cliche as it sounds, he took a piece of my heart with him. I dont know how big the piece truly is, but no matter how small, it still left a great enough impact. I can feel the slight emptiness, and its painful. all i ever feel nowadays is pain. i used to know humor, and laugh everyday with everything. I could go with the flow and still have a great time. i had, and still have, great aspirations for my future and for the future of those i care about. but no matter what i do for now on, from what's been already done, my life is never going to have it's complete meaning without him. So i'd try to fill in this space with as much distractions from the pain and hunger as possible. Almost like feeding yourself an exersion of sugar to help satisfy your body quick. The one thing i know, i love and always cling to are the huge night parties, the raging pit of house/dj music fests, dancing till the sweat drops from the roof, in all just having a crazy ass time! but when the night is done, and i awake from the slumber following the great arousel of people, music and drinks, somewhere i'll remember. all i desire is another chance, another sight of him in person, to hear him talk to me again, to see his beautiful smile so that i can melt into anxiousness and happiness. another chance to embrace him, to hold onto his chest, to be held in his arms, to have his chin lightly press onto my shoulder, to have his warmth. i would die just to feel his soft and supple lips again pressed against mines, to curl up in his embrace as his hands slide down my body. what i wish, and continue wishing to have, is to be apart of his heart as he is to mine; but all i can ask for is truth and a chance to see how things really could or should've been. i know he's still here, and even understanding all the walls that stand between us, i still see this as a sign. i asked god to help make his wish of staying here come through, to hear his wishes and to consider them; and god did, god answered to what i begged and what i longed months for. now that he is here, i dont know how long he'll last. i never feel prepared to comfront something that in many ways i fear. I fear that from what i do, it'll only push me farther away from him, that it'll only hurt myself more. But i long to see him, to enjoy and capture his presence and to know the truth. I want to know if there's something still there, because from my end he will always be a either a missing or repaired part of me.